This post is part of an annual (at least) series of letters to myself, which I started in 2013. Just because. As always, this is written primarily for myself, but for anyone who might need it too. Read my past Letters to Self here.
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Letter to my 35-Year-Old Self
(On Change and Not Apologizing For Yourself)
February 13, 2020 [your time]
February 27, 2016 [my time]
Hey Jen,
When you look back at this time in your life, I hope you are smiling. These have been good times. The year that has been, and the recent months that have passed, have all carried with them transitions of both minute and seismic proportions, of meeting unique snowflakes from all over the world at this very strange and uncertain time in my life. This is but another chapter, cliffhanger, season-ender.
Winter will turn to spring sooner than you think: bare trees will bear leaves, blooms will color the gray urban landscape, kids will come out to play. Time has come to start fresh again.
I do not know for certain what lies ahead, a free-spirited being that I am. Though there are certain ideals I would like to maintain, I have no one fixed way to get there. But I know that there are certain routes I don’t want to take. That to me is clear. It took me a while to come to this clarity, but my mind is rising from the fog.
Some things I want to remember:
I do not apologize for my being.
I do not apologize for my desire for freedom, spontaneity and choice, or my open-mindedness and adaptability. I’m a wanderer, drawn to different experiences, not one to be tied down. I am not a creature to be kept in captivity, to subscribe to someone else’s rules or society’s arbitrary norms. Not everyone is comfortable with change or constant flux. Some part of me seeks sameness and a certain degree of predictability day to day, but always with the freedom to choose. I hope you have found the right balance between change and routine.
I do not want to apologize for taking up people’s time. It’s one thing to be gracious when granted it, but quite another to not feel worthy enough of other people’s time, rushing through my words lest I lose their attention. My own time is as valuable as the time I take from others who spend it with me. As certain as I am that I am perfectly alright on my own, I know I want other people around me, people to empower, to love, and to make happy, be it my community, friends or family, to make my time on this world to be more worthwhile.
I hope that these feelings still ring true to you today, and that you’re in a good place, wherever in the world you may be, around people that are worthy of your time.
I feel like I got sidetracked for a while, but I hope I’m now beginning to craft the life that I truly desire. No regrets.
I live life each day as I choose to. And each day, I’m at peace if it were my last. There are things I still wish to do, but in each day leading up to that, I am here and I am whole. Always remember that.
Love,
Your 31-year-old self
